Today, I am privileged to have another person writing a guest post! I think you will enjoy reading this post on loneliness. I found it so comforting to know that I am not the only one who experiences something like this. Lisa’s post was very helpful, and I’m sure you will think so too! Check it out below and feel free to leave your thoughts.
Hello, my name is Lisa DeCandia. Among many other names, I am also privileged to be called Mrs. DeCandia, Mom, Nana, and Chaplain DeCandia. But the name I love to claim the best is Beloved of Christ! I am an incurable romantic! There is nothing I enjoy more than the Valentine and Christmas holidays and all the Hallmark, ABC Family, and Lifetime movies they broadcast. My family says they are “terrible, unrealistic, and sappy.” Everyone else groans when that time of the year rolls around and just prays that God will otherwise occupy my time.
Truthfully though, I’ve always been that way. I LOVE Disney classic fairytales, where every princess is beautiful and finds her Prince Charming! My earliest memory of this longing was when I was about 8 years old. I remember living in Tacoma, Washington. My dad was stationed at McCord Air Force Base and we lived on base, right behind the highway. It must have just gotten dark outside because the skies were dark, but not inky.
I’m fairly certain it was winter, because I was in the upstairs bedroom, sitting on my bed, and looking down into the backyard at the tree with its empty dead branches reaching into the skies. All around there were twinkling lights of busy cars speeding up and down the highway. As I saw the dead looking hands of the old tree reaching into the early night skies, I could see the stars I thought they were trying to reach. There weren’t many and they were just beginning to twinkle.
That night is forever ingrained in my memory. Even now writing about it, it’s like I am there again and I can feel the chill in the night, while seeing the busy world around me and feeling so far away from all that was real and so alone. I remember, at that young age, looking at the first few stars I could see and telling myself it would be okay because one of those stars was for me and one was for the one who would come carry me away.
I was a very lonely child and wanted to be carried as far away from that cold loneliness as possible. I wanted to be wrapped in someone’s arms and held close, snuggled tight, and have my hair stroked while they reassured me it would be okay and that I wasn’t alone. I spent a great deal of my life actively seeking someone who would be my Prince Charming and rescue me from a horrible dragon named ALONE.
Being alone is so much more than being lonely. It goes to the core of who I am and leaves me feeling disconnected from everyone around me. No matter what we do together, no matter how many tears we shed with each other, no matter whether someone is holding my hand or not, or what sweet loving words they have whispered repeatedly over me even as I lay sleeping in the night, I feel alone. It doesn’t matter how many hours I giggle and make memories with a BFF or even how great my boyfriend or husband is, I just feel lost, rejected, different, like I don’t really fit in. Being alone goes to the core of who I am, and I have discovered that it can only be healed by my Jesus.
What does healing of “alone” look like? Mine looked like:
Jeremiah 3:23: “They are new EVERY morning. Great is Your faithfulness,”
and combined with
Song of Solomon 1:2-4: “Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth—for your love is better than wine. Because of the fragrant of your good ointments, Your name is ointment poured forth; therefore the virgins love you. Draw me away! We will run after you. The King has brought me into his chambers. We will be glad and rejoice in you. We will remember your love more than wine. Rightly do they love you.”
I remember living in Germany for 8 years and sitting on my bed, at all different times of the day, closing my eyes and praying these Scriptures. One night I had a dream. In the dream, I was on the top of a castle wall. The gates were shut, but the draw bridge was open and extended across a deep and wide moat. On the other side of the moat was an open field, dirt road, and it all extended beyond the banks, into a forest.
Each morning, I would find myself at the top of the castle walls, looking across the moat, where I saw the figure of a lone man. He would stand there all day, day after day. On the first day I noticed him, He pointed and drew my attention to the draw bridge crossing the moat. On the draw bridge, just outside of the wall just enough to allow me to see it, was a huge bouquet of red roses. Every morning there was a fresh bouquet.
When I woke up the next morning from my dream, the Lord ministered to me, “Beloved, My love is warring in your soul the way you saw it in this dream. Every day, you stand distant from me…with all your guards of protection. You stand at the top of your wall and watch me, longing to take the flowers and bury yourself in them.
And every day, I show up again, to stand on the banks after making that fresh delivery of roses for you. I’m not going to tear down your walls, dynamite your gate, and come in as the conquering King of violence set to take prisoners. I will continue to pursue you with My love every day. The gifts of affection I sing over you, whisper to you, or see around you will be brand new, never a repeat, never stale, and never limited. It is my desire for you to come down, open the gates, cross the bridge and join me on the banks. I don’t want to live in your sheltered castle. I have built us something more beautiful and glorious and befitting to the Beloved I have called you.”
Praying these verses changed me. Although I am sometimes lonely, I know that I am the Beloved of King Jesus who has slain that fierce dragon “alone,” who tormented me for so long.