Another powerful testimony that I know without a doubt will touch the one that this is meant for. I met Padishia through Instagram, and you would never guess that she’s been through what you’re about to read. She carries so much joy that it constantly reflects the light of Christ inside of her. You may need some tissues while reading “Tragedy Birthed my Destiny: A testimony!” God is so faithful.
I wish that I could tell you that this blog post is about the smooth sailing life I’ve had, but it’s not. I’m all about transparency, so I’m here to share with you the trials that I’ve been through and how God has remained faithful through it all and brought me out.
Overcoming Sexual Abuse
I was always a very timid and shy little girl. I wasn’t one to talk much or interact with anyone. I remember one day playing with family friends who I basically considered cousins since we grew up together. I went downstairs to watch a movie because I was exhausted from playing. I was about 10 or 11 at the time. I was watching the movie when my older cousin came and sat on the couch next to me. I didn’t think anything of it because we’re family, right? Families always watch movies together, but I would soon find out that this wasn’t the way I wanted the movie to end..
This is a day that I have been praying to forget for YEARS, but the Lord revealed to me that this is a part of my story and if I don’t share it, someone may not have hope that they can overcome it, as I did.
We were sitting on the couch when things got a little odd. There was distance between us, but suddenly he scooted over and put his arm around me. Again, I’m young so I’m oblivious as to what’s about to happen. Things took a turn for the worst and he started moving his hands to unbutton my pants… I started to ask him what he was doing, and he covers my mouth. (My other cousins were playing upstairs at the time). As his hands got lower, I began squirming and crying. As he covered my mouth, he just constantly kept whispering to me that I needed to shut up. Sitting there violated, I had no choice but to keep quiet because I wasn’t sure what his next move would be.
Oh, how it hurt, and after that experience, I felt completely worthless. His actions emptied me of the little girl I never fully recaptured. I remember walking home, feeling completely numb, and like a zombie. He had done his damage. I was touched in places no child should ever be touched, and I shut out the world. I was 11… what 11-year-old should have to go through being violated and molested at such a young age??? My coping mechanism became disconnecting.
Fearful of Men
I became completely fearful of men! I never wanted to be left alone with a man, even if I knew them. I remember the whole time during the assault, my tears begged for rescue. Where was someone when I needed them the most? This is a time when a little girl needs her daddy. Again, I kept this secret for YEARS. Only 3 people knew about this, and I’m 23 now. If it weren’t for the Lord leading me to do this, it would still be a secret.
Anyone who has ever been through any type of sexual assault understands how crippling and paralyzing it can be. It robs you of your joy, your peace, and your happiness. It makes you feel less than what you’re really worth. But I look back now and see that God used this as a part of my story to help others heal. YOU’RE NOT ALONE!
After being completely robbed of my happiness and the wholesome little girl that I was, I started to battle with depression. I remember crying myself to sleep at night, screaming, but nothing would help me with the pain. Other than disconnecting completely, I didn’t know how else to cope with everything I was holding in.
Feeling rejected from my parents, worthless from my molestation, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who I was in Christ either. I started cutting myself in high school to deal with the pain, because at the time, I didn’t know there was a God out there who cared enough about me to rescue and heal me. Cutting became all I knew until one day a concerned friend saw my arms and told my guidance counselor. I remember getting a note to go to the office. I walked in to find my guidance counselor with a police offer sitting there. They told me to lift up my sleeves because they were concerned.
I began to weep. FINALLY, someone cared enough to ask how I was doing. After my session with them, I had to be admitted to the psych ward for 5 days. They set me up to see a counselor for about a year. Honestly, it felt good to be able to talk to someone about what was going on and how I was feeling. I talked until I couldn’t talk anymore. Finally, I thought I was well enough to finish counseling, so I ended my sessions.
Life went on as usual until I noticed my depression coming back about 4 months later. This time much worse. I just couldn’t shake this feeling of abandonment. For example, I remember I started cheering in 6th grade up until my senior year of high school. My parents came to ONE game. ONE out of seven years of cheering and it was something I was so excited about.
It was family night at school and I remember everyone’s parents being there except for mine. This night took a turn for the worse. I was SO upset and I just couldn’t fathom why my parents didn’t love me the way that they should. That night, I was done. I didn’t want to live anymore and I was just ready to leave this earth.
Overcoming a Suicide Attempt
I remember a bottle of sleeping pills sitting on my night stand. I dumped them all out to figure out how many I was going to take and how many would end the process sooner. I took six of them and then I sat there waiting and pleading with the Lord to allow this to be a quick work. 15 minutes went by, and nothing. 20 minutes went by, and nothing. 30 minutes passed, and at this point, I was frustrated. Suddenly, I just remember throwing up NON-STOP! I mean sick to my stomach, pale and all. I wouldn’t wish that kind of stomach pain on anyone! I felt like I was literally going to throw up my entire intestines.
At this point, I’m leaning over the toilet, and I spoke to God for the first time in my life. I said, “God, why didn’t you just take me? You know these feelings that I’m feeling are TOO much for me!” And He responded, “I have a purpose for you. Stop trying to take the easy way out!”
God is a Healer
How many times do we try to take the easy way out of situations? God is with you. He wants to rescue you. He wants to restore you. He wants to heal you. I didn’t save myself, GOD saved me and I’m SO thankful that He did. If He wouldn’t have, I wouldn’t have a story to tell. I wouldn’t be able to tell you of His goodness. God brought me out of such a dark place.
[bctt tweet=”God is with you. He wants to rescue you. He wants to restore you.” via=”no”]
THIS tragedy- the abandonment, rejection, molestation, suicide attempt, self harm. These very things BIRTHED my destiny – my blog. It gave me the push I needed to be bold and share my story. I’m unashamed because I’m victorious. I’m more than a conqueror because God says that I am.
At the age of 19, I gave my life to Christ and got baptized. I didn’t want to embrace the labels of my past anymore. I was washed clean and made new. Chasing God was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Has it been easy? No. Has it been worth it? Yes. I serve a God who is bigger than my past. So, I’m here to tell you that even in those darkest moments when it looks like there’s no end in sight, God is with you. Each thing that you go through is only molding you into who you are called to be. Pain produces power.
I hope this encouraged you as much as it encouraged me. If you are dealing with anything similar to this, please seek help. Use the contact form below or call the National Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You should not be going through something like this alone, and God is a complete Healer.
If you feel like sharing your own testimony, fill out the contact form below as well and let’s chat. I can’t wait to hear from you!
[contact-form-7 id=”319″ title=”Contact form 1″]