I Am Who He Says I Am: A Testimony

Y’all. I am so glad you are here because this testimony will blow you out the freaking water. I met Miosha through Instagram and what a blessing that has been. We were talking about how we cannot change God’s ruling on being qualified even when man calls us disqualified. I asked her to share her testimony, and you will not be disappointed. Read “I am who He Says I am: A testimony” below!

When I think about where I am with God today, I can say I’m so glad He didn’t turn His back on me. If you were to see me on social media, see me in person, or hear things about me, you would never think that this twenty-four-year-old girl struggled with identity issues or her worth. You probably wouldn’t even believe that the season I just came out of was the pit of my struggle.

Spiritual Development

For months, I had felt God starting to transition me. I could feel the shift in my mindset. I could feel the yearn in my spirit for more. But I did not understand why I was feeling the way I did. Suddenly, situations and people began making me uncomfortable. My discernment began to become heightened in situations that never used to be sensitive for me. I found myself on such a search and hunger for God like never before. I didn’t want to just know Him from what I was hearing on Wednesday’s and Sunday’s.

I was in development of a true relationship with God. Spiritually, I felt like I was in the best place I had ever been. God delivered me from depression and anxiety, after battling it for years. He began to speak to me like never before, which was something I had prayed for – simply just to know His voice. I would get such beautiful treasures and revelation from God that I couldn’t wait to share them with people I was connected to, people that I had such a strong bond with… which was what I thought. But I didn’t get the response that I thought I would get. I got the odd looks, heard the whispers, or would get things brought back to me that was simply outrageous.

Problems in the Church

It can be hard to walk around and know that people think the worst of you. It wouldn’t even be so hard to deal with if they were people you didn’t even know or people that knew nothing about you. But it is a whole different ball game when it is people you were once so close with and who you exposed a lot of yourself to. To have someone that saw you at your worst bring you down at your best? That can be extremely heart wrenching. It’s even worse when you begin to believe the things that those people think about you.

I remember one day in particular that I think was the actual day I broke completely. I shared a post from my Instagram to my snapchat, and someone from my church began sending me paragraphs on paragraphs of why I was not a child of God. She continued to point out every flaw that she had once said she was “praying with me for.” They were things I had already grown from. She then told me that I wouldn’t go to heaven, and she was doing her civil duty as God’s daughter to make sure she weeded out people. I was baffled, I was speechless, and I was broken. I would then hear things like “You are not chosen,” or “God won’t use someone like you,” Even, “What do you have to offer God?” …

Not only did it damage me emotionally, it began to damage me spiritually. It would be people that I hadn’t talked to or hadn’t made a point to speak about text me telling me all of these things. I began to keep myself locked away. It seemed like every time I walked into the church, I felt as though I had a bullseye target on my back. I constantly felt like I had to be ready for a fight each and every time I decided to go to the church. I didn’t want to be at church, I didn’t want to be around people. Away was so much better and safer, right?

I was broken, and I began to question God… The God that brought me out of so much? I began to turn my back on. How could this loving God build me up so far, only to allow me to experience this heartbreak from people? I felt like I had an out of body experience as I watched relationships, friendships, and bonds just crumble in front of me. My heart was shattered simply because the trust and relationship that I had established with people from the church was just tainted beyond repair.

It got to the point where I started listening to them. Maybe they were right, perhaps God doesn’t want to choose me. Maybe He won’t want to use someone like me. What do I have to offer God? I would wake up thinking these things, and go to sleep crying believing these things. I became so cold and silent to God, and He became even more silent to me.

Dealing with Anger

But one day, I woke up after crying and begging God the night before to release me from all the pain, anger, and bitterness I had towards all of these people and I made the decision to never look back. I had so much anger built up inside of me towards the people that had just chastised me, belittled me, questioned my walk with God, and defamed my name. I began to walk in anger and not in love. Having to see them weekly became unbearable knowing that it was going to be another thing added to the list of me being different. The thought of having to see or be around them made me cringe.

But in the end, I was starting to become just like them. I was beginning to walk in spite. But God created us as beings to walk in love no matter what. We hear in the bible that God is making beauty out of ashes, and I knew that He could make beauty out of the mess that I was. For so many weeks and months, I took what felt like a beating spiritually only to get understanding that God put me through the necessary pruning process to strip me of all the excess weight or baggage I was carrying.

Overcoming Church Hurt

I remember being at work and watching a message by Steven Furtick on YouTube which talked about what you are thirsty for? And then I remember this young lady giving her testimony before her baptism saying that Furtick’s message on being thirsty saved her life because it delivered her from thirsting after the acceptance of man. And every word she spoke, I felt like she was reading a book of my life. And I got the revelation that God had to deliver me from people.

I was so hung up on the idea of people, and what they thought of me that I had lost sight of what My Father thought of me. He called me chosen, He called me the apple of His eye. So how dare I allow anyone else to make me feel less than. I decided from that day on that I would never allow man to tell me who I am. I wake up each day knowing that I am the daughter of King. I set aside times for affirmation alarms on my phone to go off just to remind myself that I don’t have to be perfect, but Jesus thinks I’m worth it. I just thank God for being a Restorer and a Healer. I’m thankful that He still chose to use me. He still has plans for my life. Last week at Elevation, Pastor Perry Noble spoke and he said, “If you aren’t dead, that means God is not done with you!”

Words of Affirmation

There are many places in the Bible where God sends us reminders that confirm that no matter what man says that we will always be somebody to God. In Galatians 4:7 it reads, “Wherefore thou art no more a servant, but a son; and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.” This to me is simply saying, I am not only a child of God, but yet an heir to the throne. I may look small and unworthy to the eyes of man, but I am redeemed and was bought with a price for the Kingdom.

[bctt tweet=”I may look small and unworthy to the eyes of man, but I am redeemed and was bought with a price for the Kingdom.” via=”no”]

Ephesians 2:10 says. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, when God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.” Each and every individual on this earth was hand crafted and molded by God himself. And its pertinent that we remember that as His children. When life takes a toll… we have to remind ourselves that we are His workmanship not man’s!

Church hurt is real, and it happens to be the best of us. But ultimately it is the decisions we make after we go through it that define who we want to be. I could have stayed down and not gotten back up, but what I saw as punishment was simply preparation for my next.

I pray that this encourages someone on today. I pray that someone finds the strength to pick up and keep moving when people and the world try to bring you down. You are chosen. You are redeemed. And you are so very loved.

Miosha Deshae

Next Steps?

I hope this encouraged you as much as it encouraged me. I was clapping and shouting the whole way through because God is so crazy faithful. I honestly felt like she was preaching, what do you think? If you need help with speaking affirmations over your life, read this helpful post. Or feel like sharing your own testimony? I’d love to share it. Fill out the contact form below and let’s chat. I can’t wait to hear from you!

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Meet Hanha!

Hanha Parham is a Christian author and speaker. Her personal mission is to help woman overcome fear and self-doubt so that they can confidently believe who God has called them to be. She holds a Masters in Divinity with a concentration in pastoral counseling and is currently pursuing her PhD in Christian leadership. Hanha has published two books, Jesus is Bae and The Confessions Project and she is passionate about teaching, equipping, and discipling the body of Christ. When she is not encouraging others or writing her heart out, she loves spending time with loved ones or exploring new coffee shops. 

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