God is good, faithful, and loving towards me.
His character is not defined by what He can give me when I want it.
His character was displayed on the cross and evident before time when He decided to send His Son, Jesus, in human form to die a brutal death on my behalf.
He has reconciled me to Himself and that makes Him a good father.
When I feel most abandoned, forgotten, disappointed, angry, and straight up pissed with God, my heart knows the truth, which is that He is with me and for me.
I am not abandoned because He already abandoned Jesus on the cross.
I will never feel alone, even in the deepest valley.
I am not forgotten because Psalm 139 tells me.
Papa has known me, searched me, knows all of my paths and discerns my thoughts from afar.
He knows how I feel and how hurt, disappointed, and angry I have been with Him. Before I can even express these thoughts He knows.
It feels like my bed has been in Sheol (hell) not heaven but He is here with me, mourning with me, and holding my hand.
There is no way I am alone or forgotten and no place I can hide when He literally chases me everywhere I go.
Although I do not really understand the season of suffering that I am in, I know that my suffering is not wasted.
It will work out for my good.
I know that His ways are so beyond mine and that He is working on my behalf in ways that I cannot see.
I have chosen this confession because I have been in a season of prolonged suffering. My heart is wounded with pain, hurt, fear, and disappointment in God. It seems like the one person who is not supposed to let me down has let me down, a lot, and allowed me to walk through emotional and physical suffering for so long.
There were many times over the past years when I feel I have sought out His voice and will for my future and the day-to-day decisions. However, each time I feel He has let me down. There were many times when I had radical faith in Him and put every inch of my trust in Him, concerning relationships, school, my future plans, my livelihood, only to have my heart dropped kicked and broken by Him.
This sounds harsh and of course the truth is that none of these things are true of God, but I am just being honest about how the circumstances feel even if I am the one misunderstanding His will or the one hearing Him wrong. I ignored my feelings for so long convincing myself that God is good but I never took the time to grieve and be honest with God about how wounded I am.
Sometimes I am not sure if following His lead will lead me to victory or straight into another trap. Despite the disappointments, I know deep in my heart that God is good for the very reasons stated above and I know that He is worthy of all of me. He deserves my obedience, praise and thanksgiving.
Moreover, just as much as I can remember the disappointments, I can remember the MANY times when He has been SO good in my life. I can look back on what seemed like disappointments and see how He was actually protecting me from danger and keeping my BEST interest in mind. It’s not enough to trust God in the good times, learn to see Him in the seasons of suffering too because it is there that you encounter Him.. just HIM.
Hold on to truth and be honest with God because He has known you. Fine tune your ears and redirect your heart and focus towards Him. Give Him your pain and suffering because if anyone knows about those two, it is Him. The cross is evidence of that.
Lord, please give us eternal joy in seasons of suffering. Show us how to posture our hearts towards you. Show us how to think and speak in ways that are honoring to you. Remind us of the cross and assure us that you are for us. Thank you, Lord that even life’s most uncontrollable moments are within your control. Thank you that you hold our lot and that the boundary lines for us fall in pleasant places. Thank you that our future is secure in your strong hand.
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